so the adventure begins

and so the adventure begins. that's what they said. i do believe though that my adventure began long long ago, to be exact eighteen and a half years ago. it did. i came out of my mother's womb and breathed my first breath and opened my eyes and there, boom! my adventure began. i learned how to crawl, sit, walk, talk, and every other skills i need to survive the next stage of life which was going to school. going to school was a fun part in my life since my mother basically owned the school. but, unfortunately, i didn't get to boss around and be treated very specially. in fact, i was treated just the same as others. i had lots and lots of time outs and stand-in-the-corners and was just told firmly like other kids were. but i could still hang around school and play at the playground 'til the school is basically closed for the day. the time when i started to read and write came. i was very excited, i believe. i read and wrote everything. i love reading and writing, and i mean, i love reading and writing. if i could do those two for the rest of my life, i would. i made friends, and friends were a big deal at that time. primary school came around and as i have mentioned, friends were a big deal at that time of my life. i would come home crying just because a didn't want to play with me or b thought that the way my hair was tied looked ugly or c didn't like me and spread gossips about me or d, i got a crush on him but i am too shy to tell him so i just pretend i hate him and i don't give a damn about him but i actually do and i just want to tell him but i do not want him to know so i match him up with my best friend and i think she is starting to like him too! isn't this the realest post ever?! middle school came around and i was homeschooled. finally! no more friendship dramas... yay! wait until i go to youth group... and i did. and i still had my friendship dramas, which weren't cool at all if i think about it now, but it was such a big deal at that time. made friends with a but she now has a new best friend so i 'need' to cry at home because she doesn't want to talk about high school musical anymore since she is now busier with her best friend talking about anime. and so i thought, maybe i do not need friends anyways. i spent some time of my middle school years being very anti-social, just staying at home at every opportunity i had to go out. middle school was the time i had crushes and crushes and let me tell you, a whole load of crushes. every time i glanced at my crush, my body would squirm and i would feel like thousands of spiders crawling around my body. my hands would get cold and if he smiles at me, damn, he looks nice, i would smile back at him calmly while innerly screaming and shaking and breaking chains inside my brain. high school came along, and still being homeschooled, i only met and made some friends in youth group. which was cool, less friends, less drama. or so i thought. had a crush on this guy at my freshmen year of high school. and i couldn't move on from him for two years! yes, heard me right. two years, people. he didn't like me back leading me to crying over katy perry's "the one that got away" and daniel bedingfield's "if you're not the one" and also cheesy taylor swift's songs every single night. until i finally decide to myself that i do not need no boy to make me feel happy and loved. i always have had insecurities all throughout my life. i felt small and ugly and just a nobody. i felt like i am this horrible human being with fats and flabs and i am pretty sure nobody will like me. i have acnes all over my face, my hair grows unevenly, my eyes are too asian to see, my eyebrows needs to grow more, my eyelashes aren't long enough, and i could pin point every wrong thing on my body. and i knew why people didn't like me. because i am ugly! i am nothing! i am not talented, i am not pretty enough, or slim enough, i am not funny or smart enough. i am just...me. 
the year 2018, i decided that it is time for myself to grow up. it is time for myself to do not give a damn about all other people may think about me. and so i did. i did not give a crap about anything. i started wearing less makeup. i put on clothes that i actually like, not what may be in fad. i present my writings on line. i feel confident. and let me tell you, it has been the best decision ever. like why didn't i do it earlier before? and it turns out that nobody gives a crap about whatever i want to do (lol i know i am insignificant and such but just let me have the moment of my life spitting words for a sec). i become bolder to express myself and my thoughts and opinions. i came to love myself. and i believe, before even being able to love others, loving oneself is very significantly important. as i came to love myself, loving others becomes easier. all the imperfections about others in front of me seem to just slowly disappear. i do not care if their hair looks bad or their mascara is smudged or if they are not as slim as korean idols (which they are not! they are bones! debate with me pls), i care for them as a person and not as some perfect object. the end of 2018 until now has been the best times of my life, not because i was all so happy and wonderful, but because i learned a lot. i learned loads about myself, about love, about caring for other people, about being confident, about being brave, about life skills that i will need in the future. i felt great! 
and so now, i am in the uk pursuing my bachelors degree. some people say my adventure begins now. i disagree. my life adventure began eighteen and a half years ago. with all the experiences i've had, all the lessons i've learned the hard way and not, the things i have studied or accomplished or lost... they are all part of my life adventure. i am not beginning my adventure, i am continuing it. however this time, i do not have all my loved ones just in the next room. they are miles and miles away from me, and i have to be able to continue on this adventure on my own. and i know i can do this, only with all the love and support from back home. 
but seriously though, dude, i am eighteen years old?! i just remember celebrating my fifth birthday, eating kfc and have 'the world of strawberry shortcake' themed birthday cake, just like yesterday! time flew by so quickly. maybe the next time i blink i'll have kids already. damn it time. slow down a little, let me get back my pace!

with much love,

ennik xoxo